NO MORE TOILET STINK JUST WITH THIS?!

This is a real-world concern, that the greatest scientists have failed to solve, in an era where holiday resorts are built on the moon and artificial intelligence is revolutionizing the world.

How to get rid of toilet stink?

Additional question: is toilet stink a universal fatalism? You have 4 hours to return your dissertations.

You might expect me to come up with some complex essential oil blends, or to praise a new brand of truly natural house-cleaning products enthusiastically. But the reality is disappointingly simple and lies in that no-fuss, basic, cheap kitchen utensil I'm sure you all have somewhere in a drawer.

So. Without further due, here it is:

A kitchen match.

I'm sure your eyes roll in disbelief as I write those words. A thousand complex questions pop into your mind, which can probably be reduced to: "Nay. How...?!"

The answer is so very simple, the article would be disappointingly short if I gave it now. So let me try to be a bit entertaining for a few more paragraphs before I share with you this ground-breaking housewife trick that's going to change your life forever (no, I swear I'm not over-selling).

But first, an honest question: why do we worry so much about something that is so widely human and universal? Shouldn't we just accept toilet stink as part of the human condition and stop spending money on (highly synthetic) toilet fragrances? Probably, yes.

The reality is: unless you've reached that advanced stage of mutual acceptance in your couple, where you don't mind bathing in each other's musky smells or poop in front of each other with the door wide open, chances are that like me, you worry about your own stink and whether people might love you a little less if they find out what horrible, disgusting bouquet comes out of your intestines.

You might have tried (like me) all of the below tricks:

• buy a "bora-bora breeze" toilet spray (and decide to erase this honeymoon destination from your list forever, if it really smells like this)

• mist some "odor killer" Febreze / Cilit bang and Glaze sprays (in that particular order as well as in any other possible mathematical order)

• arrange a potpourri prettily in a glass jar

• burn an expensive Jo Malone candle

• burn a semi-expensive Slow Living candle

• burn a cheap Ikea or Miniso candle

• leave a candle unlit

• burn some Armenian paper

• burn some incense

• Put orange peel on the heater

• make a DIY essential oil spray

• use some gel-air freshener

• put essential oils on wooden sticks

• or (for the 1980' nostalgic): hang a little tree car air freshener in vanilla scent.

Did you notice it only worsens things? Instead of a simple stink, you now have a multi-faceted stink.

There are some other advanced tricks:

• wait until your partner leaves the house to poop (if you ate a Sichuan hotpot the night before, this can feel like medieval torture),

• refusing to move in a house if it doesn't have an in-built toilet in the bathroom (so you can pretend to "go for a quick shower" and hope the body wash and deodorant will cover up),

• or (the most useful trick I came up with before the kitchen match method was finally unveiled to me at age 43): pressing the flush button ***WHILST*** you"drop the deuce", then use toilet paper, cumbersomely wait that the flush tank refills (oh, loneliness) and flush again. It's a comprehensive four-step process, but sadly, removes odor only partially. PS: We recommend you bring your Kindle with you, for a less lonesome experience.

So none of these really worked.

Meanwhile, it feels highly unfair to be a woman: I find men much more down to earth when it comes to "answering Nature's needs". But us, women, we're supposed to be pretty, well-waxed, well-groomed, 20 fingers manicured, and smell good at all times, and remember: we poop clouds. Not fecal matter.

Maybe I'm too vain and fussy. I envy the naturalness with which the Chinese culture approaches the issue: I remember one of the first sentences I learned in my first year studying Chinese at Oriental Languages University was:

我拉肚子，可能吃了太多水果. I have diarrhea. Maybe I ate too many fruits.

Talking about toilet matters is never taboo in China. It is what it is: simple, human, and unavoidable. So why make it a big deal?

Ok, that's enough paragraphs. Back to the heart of the matter: the kitchen match.

A few weeks ago, as I was spending a few days at my parent's for New Year, and going to their bathroom, I noticed a weird smell. As if someone had burnt some secret diary pages in the toilet bowl. Or did someone do the "Magical glass of water" intention ritual? (a very cool manifestation ritual in which you write down all the things that worry you on a piece of paper and then burn the sh*t out of it and discard the ashes in "running waters". More on this in another post). Before my imagination came up with more wildly unlikely scenarios, I asked:

"Muuuum! Why does it smell like burnt paper in the toilet room?"

And here came the breakthrough, through my Mum's answer, in all its genius simplicity:

"Oh, we just light a match to remove toilet stink. The sulfur instantly swallows bad odors".

WOW. I thought. If this truly works, it's going to rock my world.

So the next day, I gave the method a try, before I could brag about it in my Slow Living article. And because I am a highly methodical person who works with scents and favors a systematic and logical approach to discovering how things in the universe work, I carefully elaborated a working procedure:

• I locked myself in the bathroom and lit the match as soon as my own..." bowel movement" was successfully completed.

• I got out of the room.

• I neutralized my nose with some coffee grains.

• I went back in immediately to assess the "situation" as objectively as possible, on a stink scale of 0 to 10 (10 being "insanely stinky", 0 being "not stinky at all", and all the subtle nuances in between).

Here are the highlights and preliminary conclusions of my scientific research:

"Fucking hell it's a 0. It works!!!!!"

Additional thought: why didn't I know this before? It could have avoided a few intestinal obstruction situations here and there.

So I tested it for you, and it really does work.

The burnt sulfur really takes away any bad smell instantly.

Only remains this faint, nostalgic smell of burnt diary page (or love letter).

How cool is that?

Will you try it?

Warnings: don't burn your house, kids, or pets down. have a little heat-proof container at reach to collect the used matches. Do not clog your toilet with used matches. Additionally, we deem it useful to remind you not to feed your pets or children kitchen matches (lit or unlit), to refrain from putting kitchen matches in any bodily orifices (whether lit or unlit) and to never leave a lit match over a fresh dump unattended.

Thanks Mum!!! Love you!